My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

6 thoughts on “My Awkward Age

  1. I love your theatrics! Lol it’s awesome to read. Brings life to your writing. As for aging, it’s definitely hard. I’ve hardly aged enough to truly understand what you’re saying, but I know that it’s scary and hard to face because getting older just means so much. I know you’ll be okay 🙂

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    • Thank you Farrah. From your blog, the way you write oh-so-amazing I always thought you around my age! And you telling me you far behind me, Im even more amazed by your writing and style again. : )

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      • Oh gee, thank you so much! Lol that was really nice of you, I’m very flattered. I hope to keep you interested with my work the way you have me reeled in with yours!

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  2. Omg omg omg! I loveee your style of writing, you as dramatic as I am. I haven’t reached your age but I sure know how painful would it be. I am 25 and I have started dreading about how things would work, lol
    I enjoyed reading this piece.
    Regards,
    Fatima

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    • Thank you Fatima, 25 is the best age, it was for me. It is always great, at any age and every year. Don’t let it take you down, learn how to enjoy every age. I’m sure there is beauty about being 30 too, I just don’t see it yet. Everybody deals with ageing in different ways and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. Hope you will do better then me.

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      • Thanks..and just for the record you don’t look 30, you look much younger. And yes I am at the moment panicking and learning every darn hobby I had since childhood and I wasn’t able to do. I don’t know how to deal but yes I am enjoying. Good luck to you and hope you enjoy and do better than you doing now.

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