The alarm when off, I haven’s slept. My heart is pounding, I know he is awake too. He is sensing something, I am in fear. With all the guilt and constant mental chatter I stepped into my shower and turn it on as quick as I can, the only place I can cry without being seen. Can’t wait for the stream of water to hit my face and let my tears run with it.
I can’t breathe, how am I going to do this? How am I going to say this? What was I thinking? Why did he come back so early and so unexpectedly? I am not ready to talk yet, I haven’t prepared. How will I clearly explain to my husband what I did and why I did it, how am I going to stand up to him and say this is how I feel. I haven’t slept.
And BAM! door bang open he shouts “Is this it ? Did you forget to kiss me? Is there something you have to tell me? About your secret ? You little F#**%&## ******%$$ Did you think *****%$£@*&$£^** I know everything! You £$%&*$@£^*
I stood there in disbelief. I felt something broke off, dropped off me. I started to float. Like a balloon. I felt so light. I wasn’t attached to anything. He knows. No matter what happens to me now, OMG this feeling is taste of Freedom, lightness. I didn’t know I was tied before.
Suddenly I knew, I wanted freedom at any price.
Was I a baby elephant ? With invisible attached rope to a secure pole or tree represented as my husband ? Just like baby elephants I naturally tried to walk away and was stopped by the rope. I pulled and pushed before but wasn’t successful.
Baby elephants eventually figure out that they just aren’t strong enough to break free of their shackles, so they stop resisting and just stay where they are.
The next time they tie up the baby elephants they try to break away once again, pulling on the rope to see if they can go free. When they figure out that once again it is futile, they stop pulling and settle down and stay where they are.
The same thing happens over and over until eventually, when the rope is put over their heads, they no longer pull and push and try to break free because they know it is futile. That is why in captivity you can walk by a circus and see giant elephants standing passively with a rope tied around their necks that isn’t attached to anything at all.
The elephant becomes so accustomed to being held back by the rope, that merely the rope itself keeps the animal in check. If only they knew how powerful they really are. If only they realized that by the time they have grown up, even a rope “secured” to a pole can no longer contain them. Then they would know what true freedom is. But they don’t.