If I stayed

If I stayed I would be proving myself to others,
I had to leave to prove myself to myself. 
If I Stayed I would love myself less,
I had to leave to love myself again. 
If I Stayed I would allow you to make me feel worthless,
I had to leave to see my value. 
If I stayed I would lose myself.
I had to leave to find me.
If I stayed I would be always tired,
I had to leave to become alive.
If I stayed I would watch you hurting me more,
I had to leave to heal.
If I stayed I would suffocate, 
I had to leave to breathe. 

I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, 
I left because I had to love me too.

Wonder

Why does he do that ? 
Why is he angry ? 
Why does he twists things into their opposites?
Why did he say that? 
Why does he feel superior to everyone? 
Why he confuses love with abuse? 
Why is he manipulative?
Why does he enjoy conflict so much? 
Why does he blame me, for what he does? 
Why is he telling people lies? 
Why having a good public image is all he cares for? 
Why control and power is all he fights for ? 
Why everyone else thinks he is Wonderful? 
Deep down in his heart does he know, Why? 

I Wonder .. 
How many times have I asked myself, again and again, I wonder .. 
then I close my eyes and let go, because I know I will never know.

In Response to Daily prompt 

attention seeker

his hands 
touching someone else, 
his face 
more open 
and direct
full of enjoyment
eyes shining
enjoyment smile
loud laugh
just like a kid
in the school-yard
it's him
it's 
my husband .. 
trying so hard. 

-by tonkadella
on attention seeking behaviour in adults

separated heartbeats

our hearts are so distant now.
they can’t hear the beat,
they too far.
sound of the Heartbeat, 
they used to beat 
together.
The distance grows
the Heart gripped by fear.
Fear of losing that 
familiar beat.
the heartbeat,
that is home.
losing home .. 
The heart 
must find a way
to communicate!
and so .. 

it Shouts.

- by tonkadella

18 august 2016

From my Drafts .. a prayer

Today is our wedding anniversary. Please forgive us. Please forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Please forgive us. Forgive us the selfishness. Our blindness. For this life. For the way. Please forgive us the anger. Please forgive us the fear. Please forgive us the madness. Forgive us the blindness. The hurt. Please forgive us the pain. Please forgive us the wedding. Please forgive us the act. Please forgive us the lies. Please forgive us the illusion. Please forgive us the need. Please forgive us the choice. Please forgive us the acceptance. The painful tolerance. Forgive us the forgiveness. Forgive us trying so hard. Forgive us not giving up. Forgive our madness. Forgive the pain we hosted. Pain we caused. Forgive our expectations. Forgive our disappointments. Forgive us for disappointing. Forgive us for hiding the sadness. Forgive the disrespect. Forgive us for disrespecting. Forgive those harsh words. Please forgive all that was said. Forgive the unsaid. Forgive us the blame. The attacks. Forgive the misunderstanding. Forgive us the emptiness. Forgive our thoughts. Forgive are minds. Forgive our wounded hearts. Our voices. Please Forgive us. Forgive us the dream. Please forgive us the plan. Forgive us the goal. Please forgive us the show. For what we were just two lost hurting souls.

Human and Being

You might be doing all the right things and the best you can for your relationship, but even doing the best you can is not enough. In fact, doing is never enough, if you neglect Being. The ego knows nothing of Being, but believes you will eventually be saved by doing. If you are in the grip of the ego, you believe that doing more and more you will eventually accumulate enough “doings” to make yourself complete at some point in the future. You won’t.

You will only lose yourself in doing. How do you bring Being into your life and relationships? You are a human being. Mastery of life is not a question of control, but of finding balance between human and Being. Human is form and Being is formless.

From pages 103-105 Role playing, the many faces of the Ego – A New Earth book by Eckhart Tolle

Hooo are You ?

Totally Night Owl. Also, trying hard to live on early bird schedule (my husband) otherwise we would never actually see eachother. I wish I liked waking up in the mornings, or morning people, or my annoying husband at those way too early hours of the day .. I do.

But for me It’s easier to stay awake all night long, then to wake up. I get angry when woken up, then spend my whole day exhausted, moody, sleepy, unpleasant. Until 7 PM. Time I awaken. (The very same time my husband snoozes off on the sofa in front of the TV) Time I come fully alive and become mindful. My energy rising. My creativity flowing. I start thinking, loving, dreaming, working, creating, playing, writing. I go for a run or I clean the house. I play with my cats and come up with new amazing ideas. I study. I visualise. I plan. I want to go out, hypnotised by the moon. My eyes wide open, my mind truly aware, enjoying the stillness, my own solitude and mystery of the night time.

2 AM I realize it’s a bad idea staying up so late, knowing even all the coffee beans in Starbucks (that is if I find it- read here) won’t make me a morning person. I know for sure, I will regret and suffer the very same zombie effect the next day again. So I go to bed, I lie next to my snoring husband quietly, pushing my cat off my pillow gently. I close my eyes .. One sheep, two sheep .. ‘Ping’ I slide to unlock my phone to read my emails. I adjust the screen brightness, mute the phone and post tweets hash-tagged #ICantSleep then open an Instagram to check all new photos posted by my friends. Before I know it, I hear the birds in the garden begin twittering. It is 4.30 AM – OMG I did it again. Time to sleep, I push my phone under my pillow.. By 6 AM I fall asleep deeply and beautifully into the new day.

Then again I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

Image

In response to Daily Prompt: Are you a night owl or are you the early bird?