The alarm when off, I haven’s slept. My heart is pounding, I know he is awake too. He is sensing something, I am in fear. With all the guilt and constant mental chatter I stepped into my shower and turn it on as quick as I can, the only place I can cry without being seen. Can’t wait for the stream of water to hit my face and let my tears run with it.

I can’t breathe, how am I going to do this? How am I going to say this? What was I thinking? Why did he come back so early and so unexpectedly? I am not ready to talk yet, I haven’t prepared. How will I clearly explain to my husband what I did and why I did it, how am I going to stand up to him and say this is how I feel. I haven’t slept.

And BAM! door bang open he shouts “Is this it ? Did you forget to kiss me? Is there something you have to tell me? About your secret ? You little F#**%&## ******%$$   Did you think *****%$£@*&$£^** I know everything! You £$%&*$@£^*

And Suddenly

I stood there in disbelief. I felt something broke off, dropped off me. I started to float. Like a balloon. I felt so light. I wasn’t attached to anything. He knows. No matter what happens to me now, OMG this feeling is taste of Freedom, lightness. I didn’t know I was tied before.

Suddenly I knew, I wanted freedom at any price.

Was I a baby elephant ? With invisible attached rope to a secure pole or tree represented as my husband ? Just like baby elephants I naturally tried to walk away and was stopped by the rope. I pulled and pushed before but wasn’t successful.

Read More What Baby Elephants Can Teach Us About Human Freedom

By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. 

Baby elephants eventually figure out that they just aren’t strong enough to break free of their shackles, so they stop resisting and just stay where they are.
The next time they tie up the baby elephants they try to break away once again, pulling on the rope to see if they can go free. When they figure out that once again it is futile, they stop pulling and settle down and stay where they are.
The same thing happens over and over until eventually, when the rope is put over their heads, they no longer pull and push and try to break free because they know it is futile. That is why in captivity you can walk by a circus and see giant elephants standing passively with a rope tied around their necks that isn’t attached to anything at all.

The elephant becomes so accustomed to being held back by the rope, that merely the rope itself keeps the animal in check. If only they knew how powerful they really are. If only they realized that by the time they have grown up, even a rope “secured” to a pole can no longer contain them. Then they would know what true freedom is. But they don’t.

If I stayed

If I stayed I would be proving myself to others,
I had to leave to prove myself to myself. 
If I Stayed I would love myself less,
I had to leave to love myself again. 
If I Stayed I would allow you to make me feel worthless,
I had to leave to see my value. 
If I stayed I would lose myself.
I had to leave to find me.
If I stayed I would be always tired,
I had to leave to become alive.
If I stayed I would watch you hurting me more,
I had to leave to heal.
If I stayed I would suffocate, 
I had to leave to breathe. 

I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, 
I left because I had to love me too.


Why does he do that ? 
Why is he angry ? 
Why does he twists things into their opposites?
Why did he say that? 
Why does he feel superior to everyone? 
Why he confuses love with abuse? 
Why is he manipulative?
Why does he enjoy conflict so much? 
Why does he blame me, for what he does? 
Why is he telling people lies? 
Why having a good public image is all he cares for? 
Why control and power is all he fights for ? 
Why everyone else thinks he is Wonderful? 
Deep down in his heart does he know, Why? 

I Wonder .. 
How many times have I asked myself, again and again, I wonder .. 
then I close my eyes and let go, because I know I will never know.

In Response to Daily prompt 

attention seeker

his hands 
touching someone else, 
his face 
more open 
and direct
full of enjoyment
eyes shining
enjoyment smile
loud laugh
just like a kid
in the school-yard
it's him
my husband .. 
trying so hard. 

-by tonkadella
on attention seeking behaviour in adults

separated heartbeats

our hearts are so distant now.
they can’t hear the beat,
they too far.
sound of the Heartbeat, 
they used to beat 
The distance grows
the Heart gripped by fear.
Fear of losing that 
familiar beat.
the heartbeat,
that is home.
losing home .. 
The heart 
must find a way
to communicate!
and so .. 

it Shouts.

- by tonkadella

18 august 2016

From my Drafts .. a prayer

Today is our wedding anniversary. Please forgive us. Please forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Please forgive us. Forgive us the selfishness. Our blindness. For this life. For the way. Please forgive us the anger. Please forgive us the fear. Please forgive us the madness. Forgive us the blindness. The hurt. Please forgive us the pain. Please forgive us the wedding. Please forgive us the act. Please forgive us the lies. Please forgive us the illusion. Please forgive us the need. Please forgive us the choice. Please forgive us the acceptance. The painful tolerance. Forgive us the forgiveness. Forgive us trying so hard. Forgive us not giving up. Forgive our madness. Forgive the pain we hosted. Pain we caused. Forgive our expectations. Forgive our disappointments. Forgive us for disappointing. Forgive us for hiding the sadness. Forgive the disrespect. Forgive us for disrespecting. Forgive those harsh words. Please forgive all that was said. Forgive the unsaid. Forgive us the blame. The attacks. Forgive the misunderstanding. Forgive us the emptiness. Forgive our thoughts. Forgive are minds. Forgive our wounded hearts. Our voices. Please Forgive us. Forgive us the dream. Please forgive us the plan. Forgive us the goal. Please forgive us the show. For what we were just two lost hurting souls.

Human and Being

You might be doing all the right things and the best you can for your relationship, but even doing the best you can is not enough. In fact, doing is never enough, if you neglect Being. The ego knows nothing of Being, but believes you will eventually be saved by doing. If you are in the grip of the ego, you believe that doing more and more you will eventually accumulate enough “doings” to make yourself complete at some point in the future. You won’t.

You will only lose yourself in doing. How do you bring Being into your life and relationships? You are a human being. Mastery of life is not a question of control, but of finding balance between human and Being. Human is form and Being is formless.

From pages 103-105 Role playing, the many faces of the Ego – A New Earth book by Eckhart Tolle