A Name for Yourself

If your name (nickname, blog name) were to become an adjective, what would it mean?

Tonkadellic meaning perfect and heavenly ideal connection in terms of emotional intelligence, empathy, deeper understanding of inner beauty, raw feelings and emotional values. Tonkadellic would stand for harmony of morals, ethics and respect.

Tonkadellian would be  a person practising tonkadellism.

Tonkadellism promoting basic human values, like human compassion, human affection. And in that respect, more sensitivity. In politics tonkadellism would play a very important role. Tonkadellism would be practised simply by compromising to retain peace.

From tonkadellopedia

Flash Fiction

She was hated. By everybody. For not apparent reason. She was young and very pretty, maybe that was the real reason. She has started work there three months ago and wasn’t accepted form day one, by anyone. They surely made her feel, she was unwanted. They destroyed her work, daily. Behind her back. Every time she turned around, her work was destroyed or messed up by those women. They have ganged up. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what was going on, shocked by the lengths these women would go, just to crash her. Childish. Women in their thirties, forties even fifties. She was 22, also part of the problem. She was unwanted. She was hurt, but never said anything to anyone. She kept silent and tried to fix the damage done to her work. Every day. She knew, she will not survive this way, at place with women from hell.

One day she completed all her assignments, and was asked to the extra job in different department. It was almost the end of the day and since she was happy with her own work, she left to quickly do the other. But when she got called for inspection by the manager to come back to her section, she just froze at the sight of her work. Destroyed and messy beyond the words. The manager, however was stupid. Looking down at her asked her if she even did work on her assignment and commanded her to stay behind to do it again. She said nothing and picked up the pieces of her destroyed work to make everything right once again. Her colleagues were sharing private jokes between themselves on the way out, giving her the pity look. She would go home late that night, knowing tomorrow will be just the same.

PS: Today, I challenged myself to try flash fiction – 300 words in six words:

The Pretty Was Hated By Everyone 

My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Lookin’ Out My Back Door

Looking out my back doors, I see the reason why I moved here. My garden. The garden is the reason why I went thru stressful relocation of our four cats from Hong Kong to Dubai. I wanted to give them a better life, no just more space, but outdoors life. Now when I look outside I understand, I gave them more then just a garden. I gave them a whole new world of hunting, running, climbing and chasing smaller creatures in the grass. With flies and birds flying into the garden, I have discovered their hunting skills, I never knew they had. Looking out my back door I see an environment full of opportunities to hunt, to run, to jump, to explore. Thru eyes of a cat.

Every time I look thru the doors into my garden to find them all stretched out napping so relaxed, I know, undertaking a very stressful long distance journey was all worth it and the view of my cats in the garden is my reward. That is what I see when looking out my back doors, my happy cats.

But if you looked yourself into my garden you would have a very different view. You would see a lovely good-size garden with very inviting space to relax, to read a book or to enjoy a glass of wine in garden gazebo. You would see a garden with peaceful and quiet atmosphere, surrounded by trees and flowers, listening to the little birds twittering.

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In response to Daily Prompt: Lookin’ Out My Back Door 

Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender

Are you full of confidence or have you ever suffered from Imposter Syndrome?

First I typed ‘Imposter Syndrome’ into google and started reading this page from Wikipedia. We all know why we should never ever google our symptoms when we are sick. We get more anxious and often diagnose ourselves with a serious disease, then we totally freak out about the false belief. Oh Sooo human! So naturally I have just find out I suffer Imposter Syndrome! Huh? I think. Occasionally. Now, say it, you think I have hypochondria.

I guess suffering from our mindset is a part of human life. The mindset depends on what happens to us and around us. This is the external circumstances of life that form our mind. How do we respond to external suffering is what happens inside. We get hurt. We get criticized. Our mind starts to fear, doubt and question our own worth. This infected mind convince our heart that we do not deserve success we’ve achieved. No one wants to suffer, but anyone can suffer from Imposter syndrome sometimes, somewhere, somehow.

To all of you out there suffering Imposter Syndrome and to many high-achieving females, who believe they are not intelligent:

You are more than good enough and you get better every day. Give up the right to criticise yourself. Praise yourself. See the perfection in all your genius. Approve of who you are. Don’t judge yourself. You are both good and great at all times.

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