Heart Opener

An extra room has magically been added to your home overnight. The catch: if you add more than three items to it, it disappears. How do you use it?

Add yoga mat, music and a candle. I would use it for opening my heart once gain, in privacy, securely. I would lie on my back, bend my knees and place my feet flat on the ground. My palms flat on the ground above my shoulders. I would take a deep breath, pressing into my palms, lifting my head, shoulders, and hips off the mat, straightening my arms and legs. The wheel pose – The Heart opener. I feel exposed, vulnerable, weak.

An open heart in my life, means not afraid to love, to share, to open your heart. Which also can be difficult or dangerous if you have closed yourself off for protection against emotional pain. An open heart is beautiful creation. Allows you to willingly give and receive love. I’m opening up in way that feels safe and secure, at my own pace, here in my breathing room.

Benefits

  • increases elasticity and flexibility of the spine
  • strengthens your arms, wrists, abdomen, legs, shoulders and chest
  • opens up the chest and strengthens the lungs
  • energizes you physically and mentally
  • heart opening backbend intended to cure any broken hearts from our past, while allowing ourselves new opportunity for love

wheel

Friend’s Ship

I am trying to reconnect with you, I wish you tried to reconnect with me too. There has been too much distance between the two of us. My feelings were hurt by your actions, on different occasions, because of your own various circumstances. I never told you, because I never planned to hang on to that. I let go of the drama every time, I forgave you there and then. I never got mad at you. No hard feelings at all. I understood your position well in every situation. You can’t hurt me. But I know.. we will never be the same and you will always be my friend.

You will never know that, I can’t get Mad at You.

bc876b26e4d782ffb48ce244d16dec79Whispering Secret Photography by meyrembulucek see more of her work here 

How to be what we are Not

Holding in my feelings to spare someone else’s makes me sick. My energy is now trapped, because I did not let it go direct. If directness is honesty, does that mean I lied? Yes, to myself. I have found myself in unpleasant and uncomfortable situation, where I spent my time with someone, I did not want to be with. I did not enjoy one second of it and thought of hundreds of better things and activities I could do instead.

I like to be honest with others, however I got stuck and felt I could not express myself with love, if I was direct. I blocked myself from doing so. In a fear of hurting someone, I said nothing and hurt myself. Now I suffer from my dishonesty to myself. This powerful force of disagreement within myself feels heavy in my stomach. I can not tolerate myself for creating this knot of energies and question my own inner truth.

Only truthfulness could help, but I felt lost for words to soften the truth. I have chosen silence rather then honesty. So I happened to be what I am not, doing things I don’t want to do. Lesson learnt: Always connect with your true feelings and be honest with others.

My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Where to Be or Where Not to Be

That’s is the true question I ask myself everyday. This question lies heavy upon me and I’m overwhelmed with all my options. I walked, tasted, smelled, touched many beautiful landscapes. Explored cities, travelled countries and fallen in love with places. I lived and  adapted to diffrent cultures, accepted the truth of me as Not the Homecoming Kind. I moved spontanuasly, my relocations happened on emotional impulse, impulse telling me to go. And my build-in compass told me Where to go everytime. I never analysed it and never questioned the choices I made. Just packed and went with the wind. It was easy.

Recently my style has changed. A lot. I feel lost and confused by this new approach to my changeful life. Obsessed with this one question. And it has a huge effect on my soul and state of my mind. I think and rethink my next steps more carefully, I put my new ideas under the microscope and calculate my next move. I analyse deeply where I want to go next and what environment do I want to live in. Seems like I want make some super wise decision that will tick all the boxes – searching for a place of perfection that doesn’t exist, which changes the way I pick my paths. I am getting strong impulse to go, but not receiving any signals from my compass on where.

Could it be that places give us peace of mind, a happiness? I thought happiness is inside my heart no matter where I go, I take it with me. But could my happiness depend on where I am? If so, am I where I should be?

Where to be or Where not to be ? 

Don’t get confused, I have a suspicion it started with that awkward age I reached last summer. Am I running out of places I could live in or am I looking for the perfect nest?

In response to Daily Prompt: Can’t get it out of my head 

Show your Marriage some Love

I say it – Marriage is not easy. Yes. Not. Easy. That is the barehearted truth. I apologise in advance if you about to get married, planning your wedding or you dreaming of getting married one day, having much prettier idea of life in marriage. And you should get married, because it is truly beautiful commitment. You decide if you want to read on or stop reading now.

For those who are married, we all know, it’s not a breaking news, but no one is talking about it until is too late. Then it gets to a point that you need to talk about it in smallest details going way back when.. he did, she did .. to some other person and pay crazy money for someone else to listen to your story, only to find out where it all started. I refuse to wait until I get there. I say it from day one I got married, it is not easy. That doesn’t mean, there is something wrong with us, we are very happy, but I’m not going to keep silence about the fact that life in marriage is not easy. You would think, being together for a serious number of years, being happy in love, marriage will not change what we have, most probably you would think it will seal it and make it stronger – one even better unit. Yes I did too.

But it took me by surprise, when I found myself straggling inside of this idea of husband and wife inside of this legal, formal union.

We are two people, that love eachother so much and decided on forever. We might have something in common, but we are two individuals, we might think we share the same dream or vision, but that is impossible for two people to have identical dreams. So we both think and picture what marriage is, differently.

I entered the marriage with some idea of how my husband should be and he has an image of his perfect wife crystal clear in his head. Expectations. Ofcourse I had no expectations of my boyfriend, at all. But somehow I do of my husband, I expect him to be, act and behave certain way to fit this idea of who my husband is. The only one and the same thing we share really, is the same goal – to be together. We expect something from eachother from the day we exchanged the rings in the chapel and the comitment of our promise, planted seeds of expectations. We expect things from eachother and if it doesn’t happen, we blame eachother for not fulfilling our expectations. But..

True Love has no expectations.

Marriage creates great expectations, grows them bigger day by day, pushing love out slowly. I now let go of figuring out and trying to fit us both into this thing called marriage, because I like being in love. I stop expecting and show my marriage some love.

PS: Unedited post sent by tonkadella from my iPad while traveling

Make Me Smile

tonkadella’s things in life that I can count on to put smile on my face.

Smiling babies. My cat Dolly. Laughing babies. My cat Tubby. Cat in a box. Morning cup of coffee with Raspberry. Koffey waiting for something to come out of a bathtub. A cosmopolitan. Sunset. Funny babies. The Beach. Real people with passion. And a cat in a box. Shhh Koffey still waiting in a bathtub. Traveling with my husband. Being watched at all times. Did I say a cat in a box? Being silly with my sister. Chocolate banana pancakes. Raspberry does yoga. Okay cat on the shelf for a change. The Sun. Sea. Every new day. Sunrise. And me never left alone.

Daily Prompt: Make Me Smile

Read a post by Cabin Pressure May Change blog, that made me smile too, here.