Most Prized – Noticing Beauty

I own many things that improve the quality of my life. Talking cars, houses or books or clothes and other possessions, they are all just things. I would like to think that I do not get empowered by anything I own. I admit, when I was younger, sometimes I felt that owning a certain item could make me more popular or desirable. I still do get great satisfaction from my possessions today. My clothes and shoes definitely, my books, my phone ..  It’s not a secret that I love luxury too. I also love my yoga mat so much! However I don’t feel these are my pride and joy.

My most prized possession is Beauty. Beauty I see, is a quality I own, I have and control.

Noticing Beauty

I see as much beauty as I can, everyday. In people, animals, nature, places, art and daily experiences in my life. I see wonders all around me. The more I notice the beauty in others and around me, the more beautiful my life is – my most prized possession.

In response to Daily Prompt – Pride and Joy – What is yours most prized possession?

My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Hooo are You ?

Totally Night Owl. Also, trying hard to live on early bird schedule (my husband) otherwise we would never actually see eachother. I wish I liked waking up in the mornings, or morning people, or my annoying husband at those way too early hours of the day .. I do.

But for me It’s easier to stay awake all night long, then to wake up. I get angry when woken up, then spend my whole day exhausted, moody, sleepy, unpleasant. Until 7 PM. Time I awaken. (The very same time my husband snoozes off on the sofa in front of the TV) Time I come fully alive and become mindful. My energy rising. My creativity flowing. I start thinking, loving, dreaming, working, creating, playing, writing. I go for a run or I clean the house. I play with my cats and come up with new amazing ideas. I study. I visualise. I plan. I want to go out, hypnotised by the moon. My eyes wide open, my mind truly aware, enjoying the stillness, my own solitude and mystery of the night time.

2 AM I realize it’s a bad idea staying up so late, knowing even all the coffee beans in Starbucks (that is if I find it- read here) won’t make me a morning person. I know for sure, I will regret and suffer the very same zombie effect the next day again. So I go to bed, I lie next to my snoring husband quietly, pushing my cat off my pillow gently. I close my eyes .. One sheep, two sheep .. ‘Ping’ I slide to unlock my phone to read my emails. I adjust the screen brightness, mute the phone and post tweets hash-tagged #ICantSleep then open an Instagram to check all new photos posted by my friends. Before I know it, I hear the birds in the garden begin twittering. It is 4.30 AM – OMG I did it again. Time to sleep, I push my phone under my pillow.. By 6 AM I fall asleep deeply and beautifully into the new day.

Then again I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

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In response to Daily Prompt: Are you a night owl or are you the early bird?

Where to Be or Where Not to Be

That’s is the true question I ask myself everyday. This question lies heavy upon me and I’m overwhelmed with all my options. I walked, tasted, smelled, touched many beautiful landscapes. Explored cities, travelled countries and fallen in love with places. I lived and  adapted to diffrent cultures, accepted the truth of me as Not the Homecoming Kind. I moved spontanuasly, my relocations happened on emotional impulse, impulse telling me to go. And my build-in compass told me Where to go everytime. I never analysed it and never questioned the choices I made. Just packed and went with the wind. It was easy.

Recently my style has changed. A lot. I feel lost and confused by this new approach to my changeful life. Obsessed with this one question. And it has a huge effect on my soul and state of my mind. I think and rethink my next steps more carefully, I put my new ideas under the microscope and calculate my next move. I analyse deeply where I want to go next and what environment do I want to live in. Seems like I want make some super wise decision that will tick all the boxes – searching for a place of perfection that doesn’t exist, which changes the way I pick my paths. I am getting strong impulse to go, but not receiving any signals from my compass on where.

Could it be that places give us peace of mind, a happiness? I thought happiness is inside my heart no matter where I go, I take it with me. But could my happiness depend on where I am? If so, am I where I should be?

Where to be or Where not to be ? 

Don’t get confused, I have a suspicion it started with that awkward age I reached last summer. Am I running out of places I could live in or am I looking for the perfect nest?

In response to Daily Prompt: Can’t get it out of my head 

If I Could Turn Back Time

If I could experience the wonderful bits from my past again, I would go back to London to time when I met my husband, I would go back to Dubai to that special, unforgettable moment of our first ‘I Love You’ To Barcelona to re-live our first christmas together again. I would turn back time to that instant second of my first visit to Incredible India. To those wonderful times spent in Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand. Back to that day, when we relocated to Hong Kong, to that feeling of excitement, me jumping up and down on top of the hotel bed. Oh and back to Disneyland! Back to that point of time, me standing on top of the Great Wall of China, not being able to take it all in, overwhelmed.

Back to Turtle Island, Shanghai, Tokyo, Philippines. And Canada, to be blown away by Niagara falls, once more. Back to the days in New York, to that magical while on Brooklyn Bridge flooded with emotions, my pap-proposal. Countless times back to my beautiful Bali, back to my Wedding day, the sight of you waiting by the altar. And back to lazy days in breathtaking, dreamy Maldives …

But the truth is, I don’t want to turn back time. The past are memories, the future a dream and all we ever have is now. A present moment. Where, I like to be. Because now is just as amazing, now, is the time to create those memories and life just gets better by moments.

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In response to Daily Prompt: If I Could Turn Back Time

Links to other time travellers I like:

That Montreal Girl goes back to fun times where we were not connected to any machine 24/7
Alexia Jones goes back to the best compliment she ever got as a teacher

Change your word to change your world

I got lost. I turn into a person who’s the opposite of who I normally am. Or that’s just my Dark-side of me, I didn’t know I had and now, I will share it with you all. I have criticised a place, I have blamed others, I gave an opinion with all the bad energy of my word behind it. I said you were fake, empty and lifeless. And you have accepted my opinion and gave me exactly that. But I know only hurt people hurt and I hurt you, because I was hurting inside. I was tired, stressed and full of emotional pain caused by a disappointment and change. I wanted it to be easy and painless transition. But it wasn’t easy and I have become a destroyer of everything around me with my harsh words.
All my life I used my words to create the most beautiful dream, that I was living. I shared love, I spoke love, I saw beauty everywhere. So when have I enslaved myself to negative thoughts? Did my emotional state turn me against myself? Feeding myself with my own poison, living in the past and blind to the truth. My own words slowly building the walls of hate closing on me, I’m suffocating, I can barely breathe.
The truth was, it was me who was fake, empty and lifeless. I insulted you and you insulted me back. I was selfish with you, you were selfish with me. Missing my dream of the past so much, that I am unable to see and enjoy the dream that was happening for me right now.

ImageI know If I love you, then you will love me back.

If I look up to you, you will look up to me.

If I accept you, you will accept me.

Morning cup of thoughts

In the car this A.M. me and my husband, it is lovely sunny morning and we are on our way to work. I glance at the clock on the radio, actually only at the minutes digits and realize we are good with the time and could use those spare minutes to go grab a coffee before we get into the office. I mean, life doesn’t get better then having Starbucks grande late before you start the day. My husband tells me we already pass it and its too far behind us. So I quickly remembered my friend told me very recently, there is a new Starbucks in JLT – the area where our office is located but on the other side, in cluster Y. My husband turns the car around in a quest for Starbucks.

We arrive at cluster Y and drive around looking for signs of Starbucks, but it doesn’t seem like there is one here, so we stop and ask the car-park employee ‘Good morning, excuse me do you know where is the Starbucks around here? He looks at me ‘Star .. ?’ I say loud and clear ‘Starbucks please’ He shakes his head of not understanding or more likely of not knowing what exactly am I asking for, like he had never heard of Starbucks. So we move on to some two shop employees standing outside, interrupting they conservation ‘Sorry guys do you know where Starbucks is?’ I smile. They both pause and stare at me ‘Star What?’ At this point I think; is it me or these people just walked out of a cave? I repeat ‘Starbucks please’ They gaze at each-other ‘Star.. Whaaaaat ?’ both confused by my out of this world question, scanning the surroundings for some clue or something.

Maybe for an escape. I definitely need a coffee now, it will not fix these people but at least it will wake me up, because this just cannot be real!

My Coffeeology.

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