Suddenly

The alarm when off, I haven’s slept. My heart is pounding, I know he is awake too. He is sensing something, I am in fear. With all the guilt and constant mental chatter I stepped into my shower and turn it on as quick as I can, the only place I can cry without being seen. Can’t wait for the stream of water to hit my face and let my tears run with it.

I can’t breathe, how am I going to do this? How am I going to say this? What was I thinking? Why did he come back so early and so unexpectedly? I am not ready to talk yet, I haven’t prepared. How will I clearly explain to my husband what I did and why I did it, how am I going to stand up to him and say this is how I feel. I haven’t slept.

And BAM! door bang open he shouts “Is this it ? Did you forget to kiss me? Is there something you have to tell me? About your secret ? You little F#**%&## ******%$$   Did you think *****%$£@*&$£^** I know everything! You £$%&*$@£^*

And Suddenly

I stood there in disbelief. I felt something broke off, dropped off me. I started to float. Like a balloon. I felt so light. I wasn’t attached to anything. He knows. No matter what happens to me now, OMG this feeling is taste of Freedom, lightness. I didn’t know I was tied before.

Suddenly I knew, I wanted freedom at any price.

Was I a baby elephant ? With invisible attached rope to a secure pole or tree represented as my husband ? Just like baby elephants I naturally tried to walk away and was stopped by the rope. I pulled and pushed before but wasn’t successful.

Read More What Baby Elephants Can Teach Us About Human Freedom

By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. 

Baby elephants eventually figure out that they just aren’t strong enough to break free of their shackles, so they stop resisting and just stay where they are.
The next time they tie up the baby elephants they try to break away once again, pulling on the rope to see if they can go free. When they figure out that once again it is futile, they stop pulling and settle down and stay where they are.
The same thing happens over and over until eventually, when the rope is put over their heads, they no longer pull and push and try to break free because they know it is futile. That is why in captivity you can walk by a circus and see giant elephants standing passively with a rope tied around their necks that isn’t attached to anything at all.

The elephant becomes so accustomed to being held back by the rope, that merely the rope itself keeps the animal in check. If only they knew how powerful they really are. If only they realized that by the time they have grown up, even a rope “secured” to a pole can no longer contain them. Then they would know what true freedom is. But they don’t.

Wonder

Why does he do that ? 
Why is he angry ? 
Why does he twists things into their opposites?
Why did he say that? 
Why does he feel superior to everyone? 
Why he confuses love with abuse? 
Why is he manipulative?
Why does he enjoy conflict so much? 
Why does he blame me, for what he does? 
Why is he telling people lies? 
Why having a good public image is all he cares for? 
Why control and power is all he fights for ? 
Why everyone else thinks he is Wonderful? 
Deep down in his heart does he know, Why? 

I Wonder .. 
How many times have I asked myself, again and again, I wonder .. 
then I close my eyes and let go, because I know I will never know.

In Response to Daily prompt 

Uncompromising

He Challenged my core beliefs .. 
And suddenly I knew .. it was time to stop compromising .. 
It was time I come to terms with the values 
that I actually believe in my heart.

In response to Daily prompt

Messy

In response to today’s one-word prompt.

Seemed so beautiful. 
I believed you won't hurt me. 
I shared my secret, my deepest truth, I trusted you. 
Only to come to find myself in a battle 

Me Vs You 

I wanted it to be real 
you wanted me to kneel.
To fit you. 
To align with your idea 
of who 
you wanted me to be too
Seem so beautiful. 
Now you blame me 
for your misunderstanding 
of who I am
as Me.
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Heart Opener

An extra room has magically been added to your home overnight. The catch: if you add more than three items to it, it disappears. How do you use it?

Add yoga mat, music and a candle. I would use it for opening my heart once gain, in privacy, securely. I would lie on my back, bend my knees and place my feet flat on the ground. My palms flat on the ground above my shoulders. I would take a deep breath, pressing into my palms, lifting my head, shoulders, and hips off the mat, straightening my arms and legs. The wheel pose – The Heart opener. I feel exposed, vulnerable, weak.

An open heart in my life, means not afraid to love, to share, to open your heart. Which also can be difficult or dangerous if you have closed yourself off for protection against emotional pain. An open heart is beautiful creation. Allows you to willingly give and receive love. I’m opening up in way that feels safe and secure, at my own pace, here in my breathing room.

Benefits

  • increases elasticity and flexibility of the spine
  • strengthens your arms, wrists, abdomen, legs, shoulders and chest
  • opens up the chest and strengthens the lungs
  • energizes you physically and mentally
  • heart opening backbend intended to cure any broken hearts from our past, while allowing ourselves new opportunity for love

wheel

A Name for Yourself

If your name (nickname, blog name) were to become an adjective, what would it mean?

Tonkadellic meaning perfect and heavenly ideal connection in terms of emotional intelligence, empathy, deeper understanding of inner beauty, raw feelings and emotional values. Tonkadellic would stand for harmony of morals, ethics and respect.

Tonkadellian would be  a person practising tonkadellism.

Tonkadellism promoting basic human values, like human compassion, human affection. And in that respect, more sensitivity. In politics tonkadellism would play a very important role. Tonkadellism would be practised simply by compromising to retain peace.

From tonkadellopedia

Mind Reader

The last person I saw before reading today’s daily prompt and before I sat down to write this, is my domestic helper. Call her what you want, cleaner or a maid. I like to call her a helper, because she is helping me with all general house work and no maid would ever clean my house the way I do and like. So I do the organizing bit. She was just here, before I sat down to write, she wiped off the dust on my desk and finished all works downstairs.

Now she is upstairs hoovering my bedroom and probably thinking that they will cut her salary down at her office as she arrived two hours late. I will pay her a little extra money tho. Probably thinking of her plans for the long weekend ahead of us. She just stopped the hoover and sneezed twice, then started vacuuming again. That was odd, why would someone stop vacuuming just to sneeze. Would you not sneeze while hoovering ? I guess most of the time she is just thinking why on earth is my whole house covered in cats hair. She thinks I am the crazy cat lady. Yup, that is exactly what she is thinking right now.

In response to Daily Prompt – Mind Reader