Too loud

Words have no value in this harsh exchange.
Too loud.
Noise.
Hurt talks.
Like a wild burning fire fueling itself.
Feeding itself.
Watering itself.
Loud noise.
Two puppets of Pain
in this game.
But if this is the only way .. okay,
Yell.
Do it again 
and again.
Too loud.
If this is the way
You can deal
then be it the way.

Exhaust me.
- by tonkadella 
Emotional Exhaustion Can Lead to Noise Sensitivity

Friend’s Ship

I am trying to reconnect with you, I wish you tried to reconnect with me too. There has been too much distance between the two of us. My feelings were hurt by your actions, on different occasions, because of your own various circumstances. I never told you, because I never planned to hang on to that. I let go of the drama every time, I forgave you there and then. I never got mad at you. No hard feelings at all. I understood your position well in every situation. You can’t hurt me. But I know.. we will never be the same and you will always be my friend.

You will never know that, I can’t get Mad at You.

bc876b26e4d782ffb48ce244d16dec79Whispering Secret Photography by meyrembulucek see more of her work here 

How to be what we are Not

Holding in my feelings to spare someone else’s makes me sick. My energy is now trapped, because I did not let it go direct. If directness is honesty, does that mean I lied? Yes, to myself. I have found myself in unpleasant and uncomfortable situation, where I spent my time with someone, I did not want to be with. I did not enjoy one second of it and thought of hundreds of better things and activities I could do instead.

I like to be honest with others, however I got stuck and felt I could not express myself with love, if I was direct. I blocked myself from doing so. In a fear of hurting someone, I said nothing and hurt myself. Now I suffer from my dishonesty to myself. This powerful force of disagreement within myself feels heavy in my stomach. I can not tolerate myself for creating this knot of energies and question my own inner truth.

Only truthfulness could help, but I felt lost for words to soften the truth. I have chosen silence rather then honesty. So I happened to be what I am not, doing things I don’t want to do. Lesson learnt: Always connect with your true feelings and be honest with others.

Restricted

“Diabetics – type 2” Dr.Choy said looking at me seriously worried. Yes i have heard it before, but it never sounded so very importantly threatening like it does right now. I sank in my chair, my heart skipped a beat and then I remembered the exact reason why I stopped going doctors. I was worn about it couple of times during my doctor visits, but never really paid much attention to it.

But today was different : “Diabetics type 2” Now, this is not fair at all “type 2” that’s not even my fault, I didn’t cause it! That would be all thanks to great genetics gift from my grandma & uncle- Surprise, surprise I felt victimised. My Doctor continues and tells me in very serious tone to Watch my diet and for the best, change to no carbs diet. Well, I have no slightest idea of what that really means. I’m not sure if this woman in front of me can actually read my mind, she keeps on talking; “No bread, No pasta, No potatoes, No rice …”
Seriously ? why don’t you tell me what I CAN eat  – would not that be easier?
She looked at me death serious. All of a sudden I felt so alone. I felt cheated. I felt life is not fair. I’m 28 with very high tendency of Diabetics. Trust me, I was fine until now !!
I see this Image from my childhood so clear, my uncle with his little briefcase full of insulin pens or injections. Well, that time it was a “briefcase” that made him very special and important in my eyes, since I was not allowed to play with it.

I just couldn’t imagine myself watching what I eat daily. Absolutely Not! Life without French bakery , Italian pasta & pizza, Thai dishes with rice, Indian nan bread, Vietnamese rice paper, Chinese noodles, Japanese sushi! How can I do it? I love to eat!
But I realized it was about the time to try and get more serious about my health also. It hit me! So I got home and searched the Internet to learn everything that I need to know about diabetics. And the best find, out of all the informations I learnt about diabetics is –

I am not alone.

Diabetes-Link