My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Not the Homecoming Kind

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‘When are you coming home?’ hearing voice of my mum over the phone ‘When are you going to settle somewhere?’ Every-time. Same questions get answered by the very same silence. My stomach turns upside down and I swallow the truth.

Living in different places, made me flexible more adaptable and emotionally so much stronger. My life has been a constant change. Change of places, cities, countries, continents, friends, apartments and houses. Just when I think I settled somewhere, made it home, created my own circle of friends, gained a social status or work recognition. I get this urge to go. I don’t know where my home is. I like it everywhere. I don’t feel tied to one place. I live on planet Earth and that is how much I can pint point where I feel at home. I believe, I am not meant to live in one place. There is only as much as you can learn in one place. And not change is easy, so is not moving countries. Every time you move, you start form zero. Right from the bottom. Again. Every place has it’s own unique heartbeat. It’s own way of how things get done. Shortcuts. Hidden gems and secrets. Hot spots. Smell. Etiquette. Different mix of people. Culture. Pulse. Rhythm. All to learn, respect, adapt and accept. Even if you know couple of people, you have no social status, no recognition. So why do I do it? I guess I love ‘new’ and dislike ‘easy’. When things get easy and comfortable I get bored. When a place has nothing to offer me anymore. Doesn’t teach or no longer surprises me, I feel I’m done. The time passes and I have to move. I just know deep down in my soul I have to go. My mum may not fully understand the good in this unsettled, changeful, temperamental, unpredictable moving yet, but I do believe it is there.

Or at least – It is who I am.