18 august 2016

From my Drafts .. a prayer

Today is our wedding anniversary. Please forgive us. Please forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Please forgive us. Forgive us the selfishness. Our blindness. For this life. For the way. Please forgive us the anger. Please forgive us the fear. Please forgive us the madness. Forgive us the blindness. The hurt. Please forgive us the pain. Please forgive us the wedding. Please forgive us the act. Please forgive us the lies. Please forgive us the illusion. Please forgive us the need. Please forgive us the choice. Please forgive us the acceptance. The painful tolerance. Forgive us the forgiveness. Forgive us trying so hard. Forgive us not giving up. Forgive our madness. Forgive the pain we hosted. Pain we caused. Forgive our expectations. Forgive our disappointments. Forgive us for disappointing. Forgive us for hiding the sadness. Forgive the disrespect. Forgive us for disrespecting. Forgive those harsh words. Please forgive all that was said. Forgive the unsaid. Forgive us the blame. The attacks. Forgive the misunderstanding. Forgive us the emptiness. Forgive our thoughts. Forgive are minds. Forgive our wounded hearts. Our voices. Please Forgive us. Forgive us the dream. Please forgive us the plan. Forgive us the goal. Please forgive us the show. For what we were just two lost hurting souls.

Hooo are You ?

Totally Night Owl. Also, trying hard to live on early bird schedule (my husband) otherwise we would never actually see eachother. I wish I liked waking up in the mornings, or morning people, or my annoying husband at those way too early hours of the day .. I do.

But for me It’s easier to stay awake all night long, then to wake up. I get angry when woken up, then spend my whole day exhausted, moody, sleepy, unpleasant. Until 7 PM. Time I awaken. (The very same time my husband snoozes off on the sofa in front of the TV) Time I come fully alive and become mindful. My energy rising. My creativity flowing. I start thinking, loving, dreaming, working, creating, playing, writing. I go for a run or I clean the house. I play with my cats and come up with new amazing ideas. I study. I visualise. I plan. I want to go out, hypnotised by the moon. My eyes wide open, my mind truly aware, enjoying the stillness, my own solitude and mystery of the night time.

2 AM I realize it’s a bad idea staying up so late, knowing even all the coffee beans in Starbucks (that is if I find it- read here) won’t make me a morning person. I know for sure, I will regret and suffer the very same zombie effect the next day again. So I go to bed, I lie next to my snoring husband quietly, pushing my cat off my pillow gently. I close my eyes .. One sheep, two sheep .. ‘Ping’ I slide to unlock my phone to read my emails. I adjust the screen brightness, mute the phone and post tweets hash-tagged #ICantSleep then open an Instagram to check all new photos posted by my friends. Before I know it, I hear the birds in the garden begin twittering. It is 4.30 AM – OMG I did it again. Time to sleep, I push my phone under my pillow.. By 6 AM I fall asleep deeply and beautifully into the new day.

Then again I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

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In response to Daily Prompt: Are you a night owl or are you the early bird?

Show your Marriage some Love

I say it – Marriage is not easy. Yes. Not. Easy. That is the barehearted truth. I apologise in advance if you about to get married, planning your wedding or you dreaming of getting married one day, having much prettier idea of life in marriage. And you should get married, because it is truly beautiful commitment. You decide if you want to read on or stop reading now.

For those who are married, we all know, it’s not a breaking news, but no one is talking about it until is too late. Then it gets to a point that you need to talk about it in smallest details going way back when.. he did, she did .. to some other person and pay crazy money for someone else to listen to your story, only to find out where it all started. I refuse to wait until I get there. I say it from day one I got married, it is not easy. That doesn’t mean, there is something wrong with us, we are very happy, but I’m not going to keep silence about the fact that life in marriage is not easy. You would think, being together for a serious number of years, being happy in love, marriage will not change what we have, most probably you would think it will seal it and make it stronger – one even better unit. Yes I did too.

But it took me by surprise, when I found myself straggling inside of this idea of husband and wife inside of this legal, formal union.

We are two people, that love eachother so much and decided on forever. We might have something in common, but we are two individuals, we might think we share the same dream or vision, but that is impossible for two people to have identical dreams. So we both think and picture what marriage is, differently.

I entered the marriage with some idea of how my husband should be and he has an image of his perfect wife crystal clear in his head. Expectations. Ofcourse I had no expectations of my boyfriend, at all. But somehow I do of my husband, I expect him to be, act and behave certain way to fit this idea of who my husband is. The only one and the same thing we share really, is the same goal – to be together. We expect something from eachother from the day we exchanged the rings in the chapel and the comitment of our promise, planted seeds of expectations. We expect things from eachother and if it doesn’t happen, we blame eachother for not fulfilling our expectations. But..

True Love has no expectations.

Marriage creates great expectations, grows them bigger day by day, pushing love out slowly. I now let go of figuring out and trying to fit us both into this thing called marriage, because I like being in love. I stop expecting and show my marriage some love.

PS: Unedited post sent by tonkadella from my iPad while traveling

Born to Be With You

Not soul-mates or best friends. No compatibility or similarity. No spirituality. Nothing in common. They do not share the same background, beliefs or opinions. Both have different values in life. Just two people really wanting to be together. They found something raw and wild in their connection, to run with it. She, in a search for his soul.   Him, in a quest for her strength.

Teaching, inspiring and pushing each other, they decided on forever.

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My husband texts and drives ..

.. while I am the passenger in next seat to him, yes in ‘the death seat’. Anyone’s husband here does that too? He also drives fast. Everyone does in Dubai, superheroes in their supercars racing.

‘Ping!’ New email, he slides to unlock to read his email, while coming off the roundabout. I wonder what happened, when did we get this far in our relationship? I mean we haven’t been married that long!

I know I was hypnotised by  the diamond at the time, but I clearly remember him saying ‘I can’t live my life without you’ like a scared little boy standing on the Brooklyn bridge with the perfect backdrop of New York, almost falling apart right in front of me ‘you are everything to me’ shaking uncontrollably, swallowing his words, me thinking; Stop gibbering, what are you saying, what do you mean, where is this going, why you acting weird? He continues ‘you are my only family’ whats going on, oh my god no no no not now, I’m not ready for this, I mean my hair, my makeup, my dress, I started to get aware of people gathering around us, I can hardly understand his words staring into his face trying to read, thinking what is going on? he kneels down ‘I love you’ oh baby stop shivering please, are you proposing to me? I don’t understand a word you saying .. Oh My! Look at that Diaaaammoooond!

Will you merry me? a moment to remember, I smile. See it here. 

Smiling, back in the car ‘please stop texting or stop the car and I will walk’ My husband assumes that he can handle texting or emailing while driving and still says that he can’t imagine his life without me. He quickly recognises my serious tone in my voice and puts the phone down. I look outside in different cars and noticed many drivers preoccupied with their cellphone. I see texting and driving is a growing trend, but it is not safe, statistics don’t lie. Do also drivers assume they can handle killing someone? No text, no email, no update is worth a human life.

I have never seen a woman behind a wheel texting or emailing, while driving. Yeah maybe, singing, applying lipgloss or mascara, only after stopping at red light, of course. When you look at the females drivers, they mostly are sitting up straight with their gaze glued to the road ahead, fully concentrating. Women are more careful drivers, we take extra second to check the road twice before we move, or just wait when there is nothing to wait for. Yes, women have more accidents, but only as little as bumps and scratches, but men are more dangerous drivers. Men have too much testosterone on the pedal, as they always think they are racing. Women are just looking to get from A to B. Life is not about what you drive, but how you drive.

Clearly, I have the solution on how to effectively deal with this problem, since the ban on all drivers from using cellphones for any purpose when behind the wheel doesn’t work. We need to ban all male drivers, this is a real issue that, unfortunately, needs to be addressed. Image

Also we are much prettier drivers.

Joint account – For love or money ?

You are both contributing and it doesn’t matter that you contribute less and your husband much more, because you both giving yours all you have. In marriage, we do not look at math calculations between her withdraws from the account and his deposit to it, because that is how love works. And love is all we need.

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Monday in Bed

And this is not a “oh lucky me” post. I’m actually not feeling well, I have been attacted by some virus, feeling weak and run down. My loving husband decides to stay with me at home to look after me. I’m not spoiled, my husband just loves me and cares for me so much. Awwww ok now this is “oh lucky me” post .. you would think.

But that actually means I make him poached eggs for breakfast with tea, feed the cats, load the dishwasher, wipe the kitchen, put washing on, while heavy breathing and looking colourless like I’m about to die. He goes to pharmacy to fetch me some medicine for my sore throat.
I woke up this morning thinking I am sick. It looks like I will be sleeping and laying in bed all day. Oh wait, but I am a wife with husband and four cats – let me introduce you. So I do everything around the house that needs to be done until I make myself sick as dog then go to bed to have a rest.

And thats okay because that is how love works. My ultimate sore throat remedy.

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