Too loud

Words have no value in this harsh exchange.
Too loud.
Hurt talks.
Like a wild burning fire fueling itself.
Feeding itself.
Watering itself.
Loud noise.
Two puppets of Pain
in this game.
But if this is the only way .. okay,
Do it again 
and again.
Too loud.
If this is the way
You can deal
then be it the way.

Exhaust me.
- by tonkadella 
Emotional Exhaustion Can Lead to Noise Sensitivity

Drives Me Crazy

What drives you crazy?

If you asked me a year ago, I would name a full list of things that drive me crazy, like my husband’s socks on the floor, open toothpaste by the sink with no lid to be find, my PMS, yes that means my period knocking on my door, sticky jam all over my kitchen counter – a message left by my husband for me to know, he had toast with jam for breakfast. But no more, I became fully aware of all this little things driving me crazy are part of being alive, breathing and living life. And by that, I mean my own life, living with my husband and dealing with my own hormones.

But I will tell you, something has been driving me crazy for a year now. I’m frustrated and exhausted from it. I tell you, what really drives me crazy. It calls – Pain and Discomfort. It calls – Mouth ulcers. Never had them before.

I have been suffering from Mouth ulcers on my tongue and I will not post any pictures here, because if you saw it you would go ‘ Ouch’ or ‘ Crap’ and some of you would use some swear word – it would make sense you know, you would understand my pain. Trust me you don’t want to see it. But for those of you, who do not know what mouth ulcers are; they are painful round or oval sores that form in the mouth, most often on the inside of the cheeks or lips. (What I would give for having it on the cheeks or lips instead!) Oral ulcers appear largely for unknown reasons. Mouth ulcers cause pain and discomfort, in my case, having in on my tongue, it unable me to speak, drink and eat. Yes, read it again I said SPEAK – I can’t speak. Only when you get a big sore on your tongue, only then you learn that tongue never stays still. Even when I am not drinking, eating or speaking, even when totally relaxed, the tongue is moving. Through this year I visited few doctors and tried numerous of medicines. From all kinds of gels, mouthwashes, tablets to herbal teas and gargles. And if you know of some kind of remedy, that I haven’t tried yet, please share and I will give it a go. I am so desperate for a treatment, that even if you would try to fool me with some nonsense remedy, you would surely succeed.

It is a painful, unbearable stinging pain, every time my tongue touches teeth or gums or even when I yawn and the tongue’s muscle stretches, it feels like the ulcer is tearing apart deeper. Sneezing is out of this world, as I’m trying to hold my tongue still, to make sure it doesn’t rub against anything in my mouth, I sneeze with my mouth wide open. Yeah, so elegant. Talking became a luxury I cannot afford at the time I have an ulcer. Even my husband misses me talking, how unbelievable. ‘Baby I never seen you so silent’ holding silence for 6 to 7 days, that is a serious time for a talkative person like me. Ulcers come to me now regularly, like every month, are you thinking what Im thinking? Resembles a similar periodic appearance of menstruation, I know.

Well mouth ulcers drive me crazy, I get very frustrated unable to enjoy daily life. Frustrated by the pain and discomfort caused. Sometime I cry from the stinging, burning, agonising, raw pain. Sometimes I cry from the helplessness. Drives me crazy, makes me annoyed, irritated, powerless, frustrated, vulnerable, weak, paralysed, unable, upset and my poor husband then deals with it all.

I think my husband should write a post – She Drives Me Crazy

Read my favourite, highly annoyed Edward Hotspur’s post  here. 

Change your word to change your world

I got lost. I turn into a person who’s the opposite of who I normally am. Or that’s just my Dark-side of me, I didn’t know I had and now, I will share it with you all. I have criticised a place, I have blamed others, I gave an opinion with all the bad energy of my word behind it. I said you were fake, empty and lifeless. And you have accepted my opinion and gave me exactly that. But I know only hurt people hurt and I hurt you, because I was hurting inside. I was tired, stressed and full of emotional pain caused by a disappointment and change. I wanted it to be easy and painless transition. But it wasn’t easy and I have become a destroyer of everything around me with my harsh words.
All my life I used my words to create the most beautiful dream, that I was living. I shared love, I spoke love, I saw beauty everywhere. So when have I enslaved myself to negative thoughts? Did my emotional state turn me against myself? Feeding myself with my own poison, living in the past and blind to the truth. My own words slowly building the walls of hate closing on me, I’m suffocating, I can barely breathe.
The truth was, it was me who was fake, empty and lifeless. I insulted you and you insulted me back. I was selfish with you, you were selfish with me. Missing my dream of the past so much, that I am unable to see and enjoy the dream that was happening for me right now.

ImageI know If I love you, then you will love me back.

If I look up to you, you will look up to me.

If I accept you, you will accept me.