A Name for Yourself

If your name (nickname, blog name) were to become an adjective, what would it mean?

Tonkadellic meaning perfect and heavenly ideal connection in terms of emotional intelligence, empathy, deeper understanding of inner beauty, raw feelings and emotional values. Tonkadellic would stand for harmony of morals, ethics and respect.

Tonkadellian would be  a person practising tonkadellism.

Tonkadellism promoting basic human values, like human compassion, human affection. And in that respect, more sensitivity. In politics tonkadellism would play a very important role. Tonkadellism would be practised simply by compromising to retain peace.

From tonkadellopedia

The Only Witness

When you do something scary or stressful — bungee jumping, public speaking, etc. — do you prefer to be surrounded by friends or by strangers? Why?

Surrounded by friends or strangers? Surprisingly, I have no feelings to this question. Yeah, rare! I have no preference at all. I have no answer. Wow. I think I take my own circumstances as they come. And that doesn’t mean I am fearless. Fearless is impossible. I actually fear almost everything. When I am doing something scary or new, I get stressed, doubtful and nervous. However I feel, no matter what I have to deal with, I am on my own, no matter if I’m surrounded by family, friends or strangers. No one can make a difference, to my pounding heart, my stomach turning or to my body sweating. It is always a personal challenge. It is happening inside of me. Me facing my own fears. No one can face them for me or with me. My fear is invisible to everyone else. At that moment it is just me and my fear alone – face to face. What people can see could be my nervousness. And nervousness surrounding what I want to do is considered a good sign too. I would say that company of strangers teaches me more about who I am as a person in different situations. Be it public speaking or bungee jump.

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Most Prized – Noticing Beauty

I own many things that improve the quality of my life. Talking cars, houses or books or clothes and other possessions, they are all just things. I would like to think that I do not get empowered by anything I own. I admit, when I was younger, sometimes I felt that owning a certain item could make me more popular or desirable. I still do get great satisfaction from my possessions today. My clothes and shoes definitely, my books, my phone ..  It’s not a secret that I love luxury too. I also love my yoga mat so much! However I don’t feel these are my pride and joy.

My most prized possession is Beauty. Beauty I see, is a quality I own, I have and control.

Noticing Beauty

I see as much beauty as I can, everyday. In people, animals, nature, places, art and daily experiences in my life. I see wonders all around me. The more I notice the beauty in others and around me, the more beautiful my life is – my most prized possession.

In response to Daily Prompt – Pride and Joy – What is yours most prized possession?

How to be what we are Not

Holding in my feelings to spare someone else’s makes me sick. My energy is now trapped, because I did not let it go direct. If directness is honesty, does that mean I lied? Yes, to myself. I have found myself in unpleasant and uncomfortable situation, where I spent my time with someone, I did not want to be with. I did not enjoy one second of it and thought of hundreds of better things and activities I could do instead.

I like to be honest with others, however I got stuck and felt I could not express myself with love, if I was direct. I blocked myself from doing so. In a fear of hurting someone, I said nothing and hurt myself. Now I suffer from my dishonesty to myself. This powerful force of disagreement within myself feels heavy in my stomach. I can not tolerate myself for creating this knot of energies and question my own inner truth.

Only truthfulness could help, but I felt lost for words to soften the truth. I have chosen silence rather then honesty. So I happened to be what I am not, doing things I don’t want to do. Lesson learnt: Always connect with your true feelings and be honest with others.

My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Hooo are You ?

Totally Night Owl. Also, trying hard to live on early bird schedule (my husband) otherwise we would never actually see eachother. I wish I liked waking up in the mornings, or morning people, or my annoying husband at those way too early hours of the day .. I do.

But for me It’s easier to stay awake all night long, then to wake up. I get angry when woken up, then spend my whole day exhausted, moody, sleepy, unpleasant. Until 7 PM. Time I awaken. (The very same time my husband snoozes off on the sofa in front of the TV) Time I come fully alive and become mindful. My energy rising. My creativity flowing. I start thinking, loving, dreaming, working, creating, playing, writing. I go for a run or I clean the house. I play with my cats and come up with new amazing ideas. I study. I visualise. I plan. I want to go out, hypnotised by the moon. My eyes wide open, my mind truly aware, enjoying the stillness, my own solitude and mystery of the night time.

2 AM I realize it’s a bad idea staying up so late, knowing even all the coffee beans in Starbucks (that is if I find it- read here) won’t make me a morning person. I know for sure, I will regret and suffer the very same zombie effect the next day again. So I go to bed, I lie next to my snoring husband quietly, pushing my cat off my pillow gently. I close my eyes .. One sheep, two sheep .. ‘Ping’ I slide to unlock my phone to read my emails. I adjust the screen brightness, mute the phone and post tweets hash-tagged #ICantSleep then open an Instagram to check all new photos posted by my friends. Before I know it, I hear the birds in the garden begin twittering. It is 4.30 AM – OMG I did it again. Time to sleep, I push my phone under my pillow.. By 6 AM I fall asleep deeply and beautifully into the new day.

Then again I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

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In response to Daily Prompt: Are you a night owl or are you the early bird?

Cupid came with Koffey

This is a continuation to my Must Love Cats post.

Where I have explained how the 3rd cat, our sweet Raspberry happened to us. I owe you one more explanation, a story about Koffey, our 4th cat. Do you remember the pet shop, I used to go to and my friendly relation with the shop owner, called Frank? Yes, the same guy who sold us Raspberry. I kept regularly going to his shop to get everything I needed for my at the time, three babies. It had been like five months, since we added Raspberry to our little big family, then. One of those days, we went to shop for cats supplies and as soon as I walked in, Frank greets me with huge smile on his face. His eyes glowing. ‘Hello, how are you’ walks towards me smiling ‘I have this cat upstairs, some couple got divorced and just dropped the cat into my shop, you have to see’

My boyfriend interrupts Frank quickly ‘No, no, no, she doesn’t need to see a cat, we already have three cats at home, thanks to yours sad stories you feeding my girlfriend with, remember? Remember you sold us a cat with broken tongue? Look Frank, just let us get some food and toys, we do not need no more cats, thank you’
Frank smiles cheekily and disappears somewhere into back of his shop, leaving us to browse. Next minute I turn around, he stands in front of me with this beautiful huge cat in his arms. ‘He is one year old, I give you for free’ I sight heavily ‘Aw Frank, he is beautiful, but I can’t .. beautiful eyes, I stroke the cat, he is so soft, so cuddly, I CANNOT..  I glance at Steve and say ‘he has got blue eyes just like yours’

Steve comes to us and takes the cat into his arms ‘Wow It is a big boy, really cute, but baby we can not have more cats’ I nod in agreement and shake my head ‘No’ to Frank. I sit silently in a car on our way back home. Thinking, of how people could just get rid of their pets so easily. He looked scared and traumatised. Being dropped in pet shop, must be shocking experience.. I kept staring out of the window and say ‘We are his second chance for a good life and loving family .. and Raspberry could have a boyfriend’

Steven looks at me in disbelieve ‘I thought we got Raspberry as a girlfriend for Tubby’

Okay, I know, I got caught in all my tricks now, I don’t know what else to say. I try my last move on Steven ‘We could call him Koffey’ I smile and justify ‘because of his cafe late colour, but mostly after John Coffey, the gentle giant character! – in Green Mile movie, played by Michael Clarke Duncan.

No, giving him name, didn’t work this time. I understand I am done at this point. For next two days I keep thinking about Koffey and talk to few friends about him, trying to find him a new home. On Sunday morning Steve got up and told me he is going to pick up some dry-cleaning, that he is in need for clean shirts for work. When I woke up a while later, I thought to myself, I don’t remember dropping any shirts to dry-cleaners, but I didn’t pay attention to that knowing at all. Anyway it was way too early for my brain to work. So I made myself coffee and sat on the sofa turned the TV on and kept changing the channels, because that is just the way I watch TV. I don’t really watch it. I heard a lift stopped on our floor and sensed that Steve is back, I looked at our main door of our apartment, when the door is pushed wide open.

Steve standing there with Koffey in his arms.

Koffy

Our Gentle Giant Koffey

One is Easy x Two are just so Funny x Third is a Big Surprise x Fourth a Sweet Gift

Meet my all cat-troubles here.