Suddenly

The alarm when off, I haven’s slept. My heart is pounding, I know he is awake too. He is sensing something, I am in fear. With all the guilt and constant mental chatter I stepped into my shower and turn it on as quick as I can, the only place I can cry without being seen. Can’t wait for the stream of water to hit my face and let my tears run with it.

I can’t breathe, how am I going to do this? How am I going to say this? What was I thinking? Why did he come back so early and so unexpectedly? I am not ready to talk yet, I haven’t prepared. How will I clearly explain to my husband what I did and why I did it, how am I going to stand up to him and say this is how I feel. I haven’t slept.

And BAM! door bang open he shouts “Is this it ? Did you forget to kiss me? Is there something you have to tell me? About your secret ? You little F#**%&## ******%$$   Did you think *****%$£@*&$£^** I know everything! You £$%&*$@£^*

And Suddenly

I stood there in disbelief. I felt something broke off, dropped off me. I started to float. Like a balloon. I felt so light. I wasn’t attached to anything. He knows. No matter what happens to me now, OMG this feeling is taste of Freedom, lightness. I didn’t know I was tied before.

Suddenly I knew, I wanted freedom at any price.

Was I a baby elephant ? With invisible attached rope to a secure pole or tree represented as my husband ? Just like baby elephants I naturally tried to walk away and was stopped by the rope. I pulled and pushed before but wasn’t successful.

Read More What Baby Elephants Can Teach Us About Human Freedom

By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. 

Baby elephants eventually figure out that they just aren’t strong enough to break free of their shackles, so they stop resisting and just stay where they are.
The next time they tie up the baby elephants they try to break away once again, pulling on the rope to see if they can go free. When they figure out that once again it is futile, they stop pulling and settle down and stay where they are.
The same thing happens over and over until eventually, when the rope is put over their heads, they no longer pull and push and try to break free because they know it is futile. That is why in captivity you can walk by a circus and see giant elephants standing passively with a rope tied around their necks that isn’t attached to anything at all.

The elephant becomes so accustomed to being held back by the rope, that merely the rope itself keeps the animal in check. If only they knew how powerful they really are. If only they realized that by the time they have grown up, even a rope “secured” to a pole can no longer contain them. Then they would know what true freedom is. But they don’t.

If I stayed

If I stayed I would be proving myself to others,
I had to leave to prove myself to myself. 
If I Stayed I would love myself less,
I had to leave to love myself again. 
If I Stayed I would allow you to make me feel worthless,
I had to leave to see my value. 
If I stayed I would lose myself.
I had to leave to find me.
If I stayed I would be always tired,
I had to leave to become alive.
If I stayed I would watch you hurting me more,
I had to leave to heal.
If I stayed I would suffocate, 
I had to leave to breathe. 

I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, 
I left because I had to love me too.

Wonder

Why does he do that ? 
Why is he angry ? 
Why does he twists things into their opposites?
Why did he say that? 
Why does he feel superior to everyone? 
Why he confuses love with abuse? 
Why is he manipulative?
Why does he enjoy conflict so much? 
Why does he blame me, for what he does? 
Why is he telling people lies? 
Why having a good public image is all he cares for? 
Why control and power is all he fights for ? 
Why everyone else thinks he is Wonderful? 
Deep down in his heart does he know, Why? 

I Wonder .. 
How many times have I asked myself, again and again, I wonder .. 
then I close my eyes and let go, because I know I will never know.

In Response to Daily prompt 

Uncompromising

He Challenged my core beliefs .. 
And suddenly I knew .. it was time to stop compromising .. 
It was time I come to terms with the values 
that I actually believe in my heart.

In response to Daily prompt

attention seeker

his hands 
touching someone else, 
his face 
more open 
and direct
full of enjoyment
eyes shining
enjoyment smile
loud laugh
just like a kid
in the school-yard
it's him
it's 
my husband .. 
trying so hard. 

-by tonkadella
on attention seeking behaviour in adults

your words

many times
I kept silent
again and again
I let the conversation to 
evaporate .. 
But your words
never left me
those hash words
Stay
to incubate 
to do the work
like some parasites 
who feed on its host
they stay 
to incubate 
and 
Once grown
they release powerful 
mind-controlling chemicals
and change their host.
- by tonkadella

separated heartbeats

our hearts are so distant now.
they can’t hear the beat,
they too far.
sound of the Heartbeat, 
they used to beat 
together.
The distance grows
the Heart gripped by fear.
Fear of losing that 
familiar beat.
the heartbeat,
that is home.
losing home .. 
The heart 
must find a way
to communicate!
and so .. 

it Shouts.

- by tonkadella