Suddenly

The alarm when off, I haven’s slept. My heart is pounding, I know he is awake too. He is sensing something, I am in fear. With all the guilt and constant mental chatter I stepped into my shower and turn it on as quick as I can, the only place I can cry without being seen. Can’t wait for the stream of water to hit my face and let my tears run with it.

I can’t breathe, how am I going to do this? How am I going to say this? What was I thinking? Why did he come back so early and so unexpectedly? I am not ready to talk yet, I haven’t prepared. How will I clearly explain to my husband what I did and why I did it, how am I going to stand up to him and say this is how I feel. I haven’t slept.

And BAM! door bang open he shouts “Is this it ? Did you forget to kiss me? Is there something you have to tell me? About your secret ? You little F#**%&## ******%$$   Did you think *****%$£@*&$£^** I know everything! You £$%&*$@£^*

And Suddenly

I stood there in disbelief. I felt something broke off, dropped off me. I started to float. Like a balloon. I felt so light. I wasn’t attached to anything. He knows. No matter what happens to me now, OMG this feeling is taste of Freedom, lightness. I didn’t know I was tied before.

Suddenly I knew, I wanted freedom at any price.

Was I a baby elephant ? With invisible attached rope to a secure pole or tree represented as my husband ? Just like baby elephants I naturally tried to walk away and was stopped by the rope. I pulled and pushed before but wasn’t successful.

Read More What Baby Elephants Can Teach Us About Human Freedom

By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. 

Baby elephants eventually figure out that they just aren’t strong enough to break free of their shackles, so they stop resisting and just stay where they are.
The next time they tie up the baby elephants they try to break away once again, pulling on the rope to see if they can go free. When they figure out that once again it is futile, they stop pulling and settle down and stay where they are.
The same thing happens over and over until eventually, when the rope is put over their heads, they no longer pull and push and try to break free because they know it is futile. That is why in captivity you can walk by a circus and see giant elephants standing passively with a rope tied around their necks that isn’t attached to anything at all.

The elephant becomes so accustomed to being held back by the rope, that merely the rope itself keeps the animal in check. If only they knew how powerful they really are. If only they realized that by the time they have grown up, even a rope “secured” to a pole can no longer contain them. Then they would know what true freedom is. But they don’t.

Reason to Believe – My Desire

Desire to do anything
Is my reason to believe
I believe in my power to do anything that I want
And my power is my reason to believe
I believe in myself and all of my possibilities
And my possibilities are my reason to believe
I believe in love
And love is my reason to believe
I believe in magic, excitement, joy, purpose and passions
And those are my reasons to believe
I believe in enjoyment of what I do and love
my reason to believe
I believe in my wonderful life
And my life is the reason to believe
I believe in beauty
And beauty is my reason to believe

Reason to believe
Knowing That I Can Do Anything!

What you Believe you Are

You have the power to create. Your power is so strong that whatever you believe comes true. You create yourself, whatever you believe you are. You are the way you are because that is what you believe about yourself. Your whole reality, everything you believe, is your creation. You have the same power as any other human in the world. The main difference between you and someone else is how you apply your power, what you create with your power. You may be similar to others in many ways, but no one in the whole world lives her life the way you do.
You have practiced all of your life to be what you are, and you do it so well that you master what you believe you are. You master your own personality, your own beliefs; you master every action, every reaction. You practice for years and years, and you achieve the level of mastery to be what you believe you are. Once we can see that all of us are masters, we can see what kind of mastery we have.

Wanted to share this Note from Chapter 1- The wounded Mind in The Mastery of Love

Wisdom Book by DON MIGUEL RUIZ

9781878424426

In response to Daily Prompt – Reason to believe 

View this book and more at Wordery

How to be what we are Not

Holding in my feelings to spare someone else’s makes me sick. My energy is now trapped, because I did not let it go direct. If directness is honesty, does that mean I lied? Yes, to myself. I have found myself in unpleasant and uncomfortable situation, where I spent my time with someone, I did not want to be with. I did not enjoy one second of it and thought of hundreds of better things and activities I could do instead.

I like to be honest with others, however I got stuck and felt I could not express myself with love, if I was direct. I blocked myself from doing so. In a fear of hurting someone, I said nothing and hurt myself. Now I suffer from my dishonesty to myself. This powerful force of disagreement within myself feels heavy in my stomach. I can not tolerate myself for creating this knot of energies and question my own inner truth.

Only truthfulness could help, but I felt lost for words to soften the truth. I have chosen silence rather then honesty. So I happened to be what I am not, doing things I don’t want to do. Lesson learnt: Always connect with your true feelings and be honest with others.

My Awkward Age

I have reached this awkward age, truthfully I haven’t actually been reaching for it, I haven’t even dream about turning 30. My friend told me “don’t worry about hitting 30, is nothing” so I didn’t. Phew! I stayed calm, beyond reach and happy. Until the big day came and I quickly realized, I’m not hitting 30 at all! The 30 is hitting me! Hitting me hard, not only, it slapped me, smacked me, punched me and knocked me out! Left a mark and affected me badly. Can you see how I play drama? It’s true, I’m telling you as it really is. I only then realized that the time passes – for ME too. Ouch, I still can’t believe it. I’m not saying I’m getting old, oh please I’m definitely not reaching for that one.

When my big 30 moved forward at me (in slow motion: it tiptoed over to me undetectably and without any emotion, punched me right in my face) I suddenly became fully aware of the fact that, perhaps I’m not as young and beautiful as I was from my own point of view. Maybe my silly oh sooo human mind, just got mean to me, maybe resisting ageing, my mind mistreated me and gave me some good beating. And it worked!

My mind created a very negative relationship with myself. With all of us! Me, myself, my body, my face and I. Together completely lost on the other side – in my thirties. But hey hold on, I don’t know how to do 30! I felt like I was kicked out of Disneyland, knocking on the door hopelessly in the heat of the night, pleaseeee take me back! Self pity, suffering and tears. Dramatic? I agree. Real story tho!

I rejected myself for being 30. This dissatisfying relationship with myself, started slowly reflecting in my relationship with others. I changed. Of course. I was different. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen. I have fallen because in my mind I wasn’t beautiful anymore. It was nothing but my self importance, illusion and false belief that brought me to that fall.

But If I didn’t love myself, how much love could I have to give and share at that point? You do the math. When I became aware of my negative mind and my own fall, I went back to myself, because I know everything I need, I already have. I would like to think that I still have time to practice how to deal with my new unwanted badge and figure out how to age gracefully. I mean I need to get better at this, surely!

ImageHaunted by Charles Hildreth photographer from Denver see his beautiful Gallery here

Just Don’t Mess with Me

Not a Fighter. Not a Badass. I choose to be Happy. I choose Love. Someone has to do it! So I listen with love to this inner conflict and reflect on it until I get to be in peace around it. However if the conflict is close to my heart I will stand up, speak out and let it all out.

Daily Prompt: How do you handle conflict?

Responding to a thought that excites my soul

I would be a dancer. I would dance some kind of dramatic dance, that requires grace, fluidity, harmony and flexibility of body as well as performing an act on stage, expressing full range of human emotions. I would produce movements that are emotionally charged, realising my energy into the character I play. Maybe Ballet or Fosse, I feel most probably I would be a (chuckle) hmmm a .. Burlesque dancer.

You might just gasp in surprise or not at all, depends on what your idea of barlesque is and that’s fine. Barlesque to me is the most artful way of using your body, motion and gestures to express emotions and tell a story. Especially powerful feelings of love, sexuality and flirt. Burlesque combines the art of make up, acting skills with fashions of era I adore and a physical beauty of women’s body. Burlesque does not equal stripping in my vision – I would like to think that I would be a burlesque dancer, removing no more than a glove, robe or a stocking. I would dance purely for self-expression and physical release, without a thought of fame. Yes, half naked in little vintage lingerie seducing everyone in the room, feeling powerful by my own feminity, embracing my body as my adventures spirit meets my true passion in every move. Face to face with my feelings so raw in my dance.

Image

In response to Daily Prompt: When will I be loved?